Chapter 2 ish, 3 ish


At the “end of the first age” Robert Stone invented a machine, it’s a long story but suffice it to say that Stone is me. I’m an expert at interstitial placement. Not long after the introduction of DVR technology the advertising industry just gave up. Making a commercial for commercial television was just a waste of time. The interstitial (stitials) grew by creating events that promoted the product in ways that were in and of themselves. Here’s one of my favorites.

The shoe company with the three stripes wanted to take the shoe business from the company with the swoosh.

“Mr. Stone, we’ve been waiting what we would consider to be very patiently for your company’s project proposal. During this time the sneaker company with the three stripes has cut a deal with Major League Baseball to add a new zone to all ball fields…”

“Yes, the Three Stripes and Your On rule. I’m familiar with it. In fact it was me that pitched the idea to the company when we were trying to get their business.”

“Well, what happened?”

“I just didn’t have the contacts at MLB that I thought I did.

I thought I had the league convinced to  create a line, two seats wide that ran up the stands in  every stadium just to the outside of the foul line. The sneaker company would buy seasons tickets to all of those seats in every stadium for the next 100 years, payable in full up front! Not to mention that they supply all of the footwear!

If a batter hits a foul ball that landed in that stripe it counts as both a Strike and a Stripe. You still can’t strike out on a foul ball, but if a batter hits three Stripes in one at bat then he is awarded the base.”

“It was brilliant Mr. Stone; now, what do you have for the Swoosh?”

“Well, I must say that what I would like to suggest is that save your money for a really big project.”

“Rob, we did that ‘really big project’ before. It cost the company ‘whatever is an astronomically high number to whomever is reading this at transcript in the future’ times two!”

“Times three, actually!” the box on the conference room table hologrammed.

“Thank you Niles. Mr. Stone, you know Niles, from our Expenditure Oversight Department?”

“Yes, of course. Nice to see you Niles. Sorry you couldn’t be here in person.”

“The EOD would like to concur with Mr. Stone. We feel that it is prudent to stockpile cash before moving too far forward.

Our analysts have looked at the costs of the other sneaker companies’ ‘Three Stripes and You’re On’ campaign and we have determined that ’You’re On’ is the perfect descriptor for the massive gamble they are taking. The boys are even starting to say that if things don’t turn around soon, the company will have to change its name to ‘Subtractdidas’ A hahaha.”

“Yeah, funny Niles; but did it occur to you and the boys of the back office comedy club that we used to sell all of the shoes to the pro baseball teams? Sell, not give, sell. Do you have any idea how many shoes those pampered scrotum scratchers go through in one season? They wear them for about a week and then them ship them back to whatever village they came from, which turns them around and sells them on that online auction site!

Listen, Niles we need some revenue or we won’t have any money to stockpile!”

“Well, Niky, we could always sell the nuclear reactor.”

“Sell the Victory Goddess? It’s the world’s only portable Nuke Plant! It makes no sense to sell her!
Let us just do something small, but with some ‘Umph!’ Stone; back me up here!”

“Niky, Niles… I am working with on a concept for a Superhero, an evil gambling syndicate props up an improbable golfer, the most improbable you can imagine, the run him all the way through to the Masters they’re,…. did I mention the kid is black? I said ‘improbable’ but I’m talking like really out there! So the syndicate is peeling the Atlanta boys left and right on this kid, and they’re still getting odds. It comes to the last hole, all of white rich guy America has doubled and tripled and quadrupled down on this kid losing. If he makes this putt, that’s it, they’re bust. He hits the ball and it rolls right up to the lip of the cup… It stands there with the swoosh on plain display, like it’s sticking its tongue out at the establishment and then, at the last second, when all seems lost; ‘Swoosh’ our hero swooshes down and grabs the ball just before it falls into the cup! He exposes the syndicate, white guys get the win, syndicate busts and you guys are heroes forever!”

“I like it, how much will it cost?”

“That, my friends, is a stitial!”

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